Motherless daughters

What is it like growing up without a mother?

Well, we will survive, but what do i know?

I lost my mother when i was 10. When anybody asks me why i did not talk much about her, i would just answered because i don't remember her.

Off course i lied.

My parents divorced when i was 9 or so. The following year, i found out she was sick. Really sick. My father and my sisters did not tell me she's sick. I found out when i sneaked out to see her at the office, and she was not there.
Not long after that, she passed away from cancer.

Maybe it's because i was still a kid, or maybe it's something else. Days after she passed, i could not remember how she used to look like. It felt weird so i tried hard to think what's her face was like, how she used to smell like. So, i went around the house to look for her pictures, which was not easy since my dad threw most of it away.

The night she passed away, the phone kept ringing and i wanted to get it (as a kid, i love receiving calls then shout for the person they want to talk to). My father however, hugged me and just tucked me in to sleep.
"No need to take the call, just sleep."
So i did.
The next morning my sister broke the news to me. The weird thing is, i have seen this exact situation in my dream prior to that. I even told my friend and her mother. so, i guess this was how god was giving me hints huh..

My father didn't go to the funeral. But i overheard my eldest asked him in private, whether or not he has forgiven her. He nodded slowly.

My sisters too were having a hard time. So, we didn't really talk about what happened. Maybe this was what love-hate relationship really looks like. Don't get me wrong, whenever i think of a mother-figure, i would think of my eldest. Even then, i don't think it's quite fitting. She worked hard to buy all the food, pay for the car, tv, etc. But we don't really talk about anything deep. I think, my sisters were in need of a mother too.

Growing up, i don't really have much problem getting my periods and bras. I was 13 when i got my first period, so i already knew what was incoming. I already knew the science of it and how to get my bra in what size. From school of course. The best part of it was, my dad used to accompany me to those stores lol..but what the heck, he is my father. He was also the one who taught me how to wash my blood-stained clothes whenever i was in my period. Call it whatever, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. With, or without a mother. I am thankful to god for my father. When some other dads were embarrased to buy bras and sanitary pads for their daughters, my father strived on. My sisters were not the one who taught me all of these. I don't know why.
So, i'm an optimist, i don't really think of it as awkward or embarassing. It's perfectly normal for me.

However, be warned that growing up without a mother can still affect you as a human being, albeit you are a happy and active child.

As close as i am to my father, i did not share my personal feeling to him. As the youngest, i strived hard in everything i want to do. I want to accomplish success in my life and be happy..and this is not easy. The only and the hardest critic is myself. I was always challenging myself for more until i was pushing the limit. Without a mother, you lose all that emotional wisdom from young. In the end, you are all that you've got and this cycle goes on and on non-stop. Then, you just start praying that everything will work out fine and you did not screw up. It's a viscious cycle that will keep on going as you grow up. And growing up, takes a very, very long time.

Another thing i made sure to point out is, those with mothers could always ask their mother to start pray for them especially for a big, important occassion. And i always wonder, who do i ask to pray for me? This has always resulted in many text messages to those people i look up to and respect to pray for me instead. besides my father and sisters off course.

The thing is, when my mother left us (through divorce), i felt a little resentment towards her. This has led me to be very sceptical about just anything and anyone. I'm 26 now, and i still am a sceptic towards people. I don't trust people that easily and i am not the most outgoing person that you can find in the room. I'd rather be alone and chill that be in a crowd. I don't know if i want to be married and repeat my parents mistakes. i really don't know.

I do miss her though. In the best way that i could remember.

this is by far the most intimate thoughts i've ever written.. because i know not much people will read it, and i want to get a few of it out of my chest.

a story of a friend

They have different background, but that doesn't stop them.
She is from South East Asia, the other one is a korean. 

Call it fate, call it coincidence, 

but they meet and got to know each other really well.

They play, pray, study, get in troubles, together.

They do everything together. 

They swore to always be there for each other, even if they grow apart. 

Nothing will change.

Yet indeed, something did changed.

 

While she was waiting for the other one in the hall, 

the news came to her. 

The other one is here no more, 

for she was involved in a terrible car accident, 

and she could not make it to their appointment. 

She thought it was a joke, 

but even herself was not laughing. 

She hoped it was a joke. 

"It's like you couldn't breathe..you feel sick here (pointing to her chest).."

"I couldn't believe it she was gone..just like that" 

To you

Melalut malam malam

Setiap orang ada sejarah dia masing-masing.

I have mine. 

And I'm sure you have yours. 

Aku nak jadi baik, tapi aku tak kata aku baik. 

Aku dah banyak kali patah hati dan kecewa sejak balik Malaysia ni.

Kecewa dengan orang lain sekeliling aku, dan selalu juga kecewa dengan diri aku sendiri.

Apa nak buat, iman tak mantap lagi. 

Belum lagi..

Kekadang terpikir jugak, macam mana nak tarik orang ke jalan yang lurus sedangkan aku pun 2x5 je.

Pastu aku terpikir, mungkin jugak sebab aku pun lebih kurang sama je, itulah kekuatan aku. 

Supaya fikir macam mana nak tarik manusia-manusia lain macam aku ni untuk sekurang-kurangnya pikir balik apa kita kena dan perlu buat. 

Yela..disebabkan aku pun dulu sebijik je macam diorang, jadi aku tahu cara untuk tarik perhatian diorang..

Sekarang pun mungkin sebijik lagi, tapi harapnya ok sikit dari dulu la..

Susah sangat nak berubah ni, siapa kata senang?

mungkin kalau ada yang cakap senang tu, diorang adalah orang yang memang dah dilahirkan dalam biah(suasana) yang solehah, ada keluarga, mak bapak yang sentiasa mengawal, kawan-kawan yang soleh dan solehah selalu menegurdan mengajak, dan dari rahim lagi sentiasa didedahkan dengan al-quran, etc etc.

Tapi aku tahu..

Tak semua kita ada nikmat tu. 

Aku pun takde. 

dan siapa boleh guarantee yang aku sebutkan di atas tu memang tip top konpem konpem jadi soleh dan solehah? 

aku teringat hadis nabi, (olahan ayat aku sendiri, jadi mungkin kurang dramatis)

Ada orang dan lama beramal sehingga jarak antaranya dengan syurga hanya sehasta, tapi telah ditakdirkan dia kufur sewaktu nak mati. Lalu, dia ditempatkan di neraka. Ada orang yang dah lama buat jahat sehingga jaraknya antara neraka hanya sehasta, tapi telah ditakdirkan dia bertaubat dan beramal sebelum mati. Lalu dia ditempatkan di syurga. 

Memang rasa susah, tapi apa yang penting, kita terus bermujahadah dengan diri kita sendiri. Tersungkur tak apa, asalkan kita bangun balik. Tipulah kalau kita takkan tersungkur. Padahal nak jalan keluar pergi tandas pun boleh tergolek-golek jatuh, apatah lagi berperang dengan diri kita sendiri. 

I'm still trying..

Aku berimpian untuk mempunyai anak lelaki.

Kenapa?

Supaya boleh aku didik dia supaya jadi pemimpin.

Terlalu banyak perempuan dan laki-laki hina di dunia.

Buat aku malu jadi spesis yang sama.

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Wahai lelaki..

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