What is it like growing up without a mother?
Well, we will survive, but what do i know?
I lost my mother when i was 10. When anybody asks me why i did not talk much about her, i would just answered because i don't remember her.
Off course i lied.
My parents divorced when i was 9 or so. The following year, i found out she was sick. Really sick. My father and my sisters did not tell me she's sick. I found out when i sneaked out to see her at the office, and she was not there.
Not long after that, she passed away from cancer.
Maybe it's because i was still a kid, or maybe it's something else. Days after she passed, i could not remember how she used to look like. It felt weird so i tried hard to think what's her face was like, how she used to smell like. So, i went around the house to look for her pictures, which was not easy since my dad threw most of it away.
The night she passed away, the phone kept ringing and i wanted to get it (as a kid, i love receiving calls then shout for the person they want to talk to). My father however, hugged me and just tucked me in to sleep.
"No need to take the call, just sleep."
So i did.
The next morning my sister broke the news to me. The weird thing is, i have seen this exact situation in my dream prior to that. I even told my friend and her mother. so, i guess this was how god was giving me hints huh..
My father didn't go to the funeral. But i overheard my eldest asked him in private, whether or not he has forgiven her. He nodded slowly.
My sisters too were having a hard time. So, we didn't really talk about what happened. Maybe this was what love-hate relationship really looks like. Don't get me wrong, whenever i think of a mother-figure, i would think of my eldest. Even then, i don't think it's quite fitting. She worked hard to buy all the food, pay for the car, tv, etc. But we don't really talk about anything deep. I think, my sisters were in need of a mother too.
Growing up, i don't really have much problem getting my periods and bras. I was 13 when i got my first period, so i already knew what was incoming. I already knew the science of it and how to get my bra in what size. From school of course. The best part of it was, my dad used to accompany me to those stores lol..but what the heck, he is my father. He was also the one who taught me how to wash my blood-stained clothes whenever i was in my period. Call it whatever, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. With, or without a mother. I am thankful to god for my father. When some other dads were embarrased to buy bras and sanitary pads for their daughters, my father strived on. My sisters were not the one who taught me all of these. I don't know why.
So, i'm an optimist, i don't really think of it as awkward or embarassing. It's perfectly normal for me.
However, be warned that growing up without a mother can still affect you as a human being, albeit you are a happy and active child.
As close as i am to my father, i did not share my personal feeling to him. As the youngest, i strived hard in everything i want to do. I want to accomplish success in my life and be happy..and this is not easy. The only and the hardest critic is myself. I was always challenging myself for more until i was pushing the limit. Without a mother, you lose all that emotional wisdom from young. In the end, you are all that you've got and this cycle goes on and on non-stop. Then, you just start praying that everything will work out fine and you did not screw up. It's a viscious cycle that will keep on going as you grow up. And growing up, takes a very, very long time.
Another thing i made sure to point out is, those with mothers could always ask their mother to start pray for them especially for a big, important occassion. And i always wonder, who do i ask to pray for me? This has always resulted in many text messages to those people i look up to and respect to pray for me instead. besides my father and sisters off course.
The thing is, when my mother left us (through divorce), i felt a little resentment towards her. This has led me to be very sceptical about just anything and anyone. I'm 26 now, and i still am a sceptic towards people. I don't trust people that easily and i am not the most outgoing person that you can find in the room. I'd rather be alone and chill that be in a crowd. I don't know if i want to be married and repeat my parents mistakes. i really don't know.
I do miss her though. In the best way that i could remember.
this is by far the most intimate thoughts i've ever written.. because i know not much people will read it, and i want to get a few of it out of my chest.
